i am not chi hou

Well...i have officially stepped to a new low. I have reached a level where i can't even bear to write an entry with my own name, in my own blog anymore. Because i am embarrassed. I have officially let myself, once again, be stepped on and trampled all over insignificantly by people whom i dont particularly care too much about.

well isn't this ironic.every year when i have someone special to spend a fucking birthday with. something major always gets screwed up.People are dying to please, all this sugarcoated nonsense about how this day should be perfect. WELL REALITY CHECK HONEY, I DONT GIVE A FUCK. all i wanted was YOU to be WITH ME.that's ALL. i dont want no expensive presents or mega fucking huge birthday bash. OR ANYTHING. i just want YOU.WITH ME.

BUt no.FUCK YOU.everything's fucking screwed up and it's MY FAULT now, isn't it? i am the whiny, complainy, inconsiderate, emotionally fucked up inside, PERSON, who just doesnt fucking deserve you. please let's not forget that this is MY so-called birthday. i dont have a say now, do i? i have a obligingly follow every instruction HE barks at you?! I am not his fucking slave, and neither are you?! Now you're mad at ME because he's mad at YOU because SHE's mad at HIM?!

DOES THAT EVEN MAKE FUCKING SENSE?! think about it. the PRINCESS has a problem, the princess can solve her own fucking problem.WHY ARE WE FIGHTING OVER THEM?! i dont understand a single tiny fiber of this whole situation. NOT AT ALL.

Dont go all diva on me now that something's seriously fucked up.Something i had NO SAY on. isn't it ridiculous to throw me a fucking celebration without my ACTUAL friends being there? Now please don;t say i put them before you or any other kind of nonsense you're planning to throw back at me.

I havent seen my friends for MONTHS. ANd most of them have forgotten that i even exist. Can't you spare me ONE DAY of happiness.WHat do you WANT from me? To think about you EVERY FUCKING HOUR? When i eat bathe sleep breathe and fucking cut myself?!! YES HONEY I DO.because i love you!But you dont fucking see that DO YOU? all you see is ME. MAKING YOU SICK. MAKING YOU FRUSTRATED. FUCKING PRESSURING YOU.

I've tried to be the best person i could be. Forever trying to please people i care about. ITS JUST UNFAIR isn;t it? people dont sprawl all over the floor trying to PLEASE ME, do they?! Come to think about it, it's a fucking conspiracy. SO dont talk to me about ME not treating you fairly.because NOTHING is fair. NOTHING WILL EVER BE.

You can sacrifice even your sad pathetic girlfriend's feelings for him. so im fucking begging you to do it just once, for me? is that ok? or is that too hard even for you to achieve? now you've made me sad.FOR THE FIRST TIME. this is our first argument. And its because of HIM.is it fucking worth it? I might never speak to you again. ARE U OK WITH THAT? any second now and i will delete you from my memory. Wiping off EVERYTHING that reminds me of YOU.

HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?! You got what you want now??! ARE YOU HAPPY. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN? Im not coherent anymore. i will not cry for you. i will bleed, i will feel pain, and i will rot inside. but i WILL NOT CRY FOR YOU.

just bear in mind that if i die. you are held solely responsible.